The past couple of months have been a representation of this set into consciousness. This pervasive feeling of feeling out of control, free-falling, but yet each minute ticking by at turtle speed;- consciousness looping and looping with myself feeling maddened by this kinetic limbo. I have tried grace and equanimity to temper the rising tide of these feelings but the truth of the matter is, that waiting for the moment of impact or the moment that is desired, can be as torturous as it is lovely.
It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that a shift occurred in my mindset. During a meeting for a class that I had signed up for that was designed to jump start the shift into the new season ( for me the new year), we were asked to write our own epitaph. Yes, envisioning the end, putting down everything that we did, that we went for, loved and left behind. The exercise was powerful because it made me really solidify what I wanted to achieve, what my loves were and also importantly to define what it was that I had already done. We were given license to dream big and live it large. In hindsight, I realize that this was just the space needed to not be afraid of 'daring' to want, -to want anything,- to want anything at all. I am starting to warm to the belief that what we 'want' is not and should not hinge upon what we think we deserve or don't deserve. Unfortunately, our own judgements, my own judgements, make me put myself into the numerous categories of 'deserve', 'maybe I deserve', 'don't deserve'. The reality is that if we never have wants and desires how do we embrace life? How do we know that we are living? How do we appreciate the magic of actually experiencing the joy of receiving as well living into the humanity of being humbled by that which makes us spiral into a free fall?
So, here I sit, another post written during a full moon. Exposed. Arg. A friend who just recently read my blog kindly wrote me a thank you for sharing it with her. "I love knowing about the vulnerable side of you since I never see it in the flesh, it's a precious part." This statement made me pause because I realized that all of my dad's yelling at us to not cry and show weakness as we were standing there crying in fear as young children, calcified my exterior being to be that of an oyster: craggy and unbreakable on the outside, tender on the inside with this slowly forged gem on the inside tucked away and added to year after year waiting to be found. I think of Hawaii where a pivotal moment in our friendship, with this same friend occurred,- a moment of absolute fragility and honesty and beauty. The walk that followed not long after landed us on the craggy black-rock beach where I sat, having wandered off alone to perch, feeling the spray of ocean water upon my face with the sun blazing above. As I sat there watching the tumultuous waves gnarling and crashing about bringing in the riches from the sea and breaking and whisking away the foundation from the shoreline, I saw a large sea turtle turning and tossing in the crest of a wave. I watched breathless as she rode the maelstrom, peaceful, not resisting but sound with aged wisdom in the inevitability that she would get to the shore when she wanted to. She was along for the ride, she was blissfully in her journey. Recently I have started dreaming of turtles and the wild wild sea.
So, to end or to begin this entry, I don't know which, a poem I love dearly and my epitaph...may I someday rest in peace.
Ithaka
As you set out for Ithaka,
Hope that your road is a long one,
Full of adventure, full of discovery,
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
Angry Poseidon- don't be afraid of them;
You'll never find things like that on your way
As long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
As long as a rare excitement
Stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
Wild Poseidon- you won't encounter them
Unless you bring them inside your soul,
Unless your soul sets them up in front of you.
Hope that your road is a long one.
May there be many a Summer morning when,
With what pleasure, what joy,
You enter harbors you're seeing for the first time;
May you stop at Phoenician trading stations,
To buy fine things,
Mother of pearl and wood, amber and fine ebony,
Sensual perfumes of every kind,
As many sensual perfumes as you can;
And may you visit many Egyptian cities,
To learn and go on learning from their scholars.
Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
So you're old by the time you reach the island,
Wealthy with all you've gained along the way,
Not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka would not have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience.
You'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.
-Constantine Cavafy
Sharon K. K. was born on October 1, 1975. She was a loving sister to 2 brothers and four sisters, a daughter, an aunt, a mother to three children, a beloved wife, a friend and a guiding spirit.
During her early life she found great fulfillment through music. She aspired to teach music to people from all walks of life, young and old. Her purpose, she would later say, was to not only help students become proficient in their instruments, but it was also to establish the ground work for her students to take pride in themselves, their learning and their individual gifts as not only musicians but as people.
Sharon was also an accomplished performer spending her younger years having the opportunity to play with groups in Boston and Houston as well as spending her middle age to her end playing in chamber ensembles and cultivating a foundation that gave opportunities and instruments to underprivileged inner-city and third world communities to share in the universal voice of music.
Amidst her thirties, she found running, yoga and holistic healing and followed these paths with dedication and joy. She became an advocate for bringing movement, mental health, and nutritional knowledge to over-weight adolescents ( a passion of hers that she fostered from her battle with weight as a young child). This path eventually led to Sharon becoming the owner of a foundation in Australia who's purpose was to support the dreams of the underprivileged, children and mothers from abusive homes and kids from undeveloped countries to help them realize their dreams and discover their possibilities. In tandem with this foundation Sharon had a sustainable farm powered by volunteers from all around the world that needed a break from the plugged in world who would not only tend the fields but also nurture abandoned animals and the herd of wild horses and alpacas that roamed the compound.
Sharon was an enthusiast in many walks of life, running marathons, painting, cooking, dancing, singing. She was the author to many short stories and children's books . She wanted it all and got to try everything at least once which was her motto in life.
A true visionary and a loyal friend, Sharon will be missed. Her greatest fear was that she would leave this world having not done what she knew she was capable of and not making a difference to leave her small part of the world a little bit of a better place. She needn't worry.
1 comment:
Sea turtle in the maelstrom... I want to be an Australian alpaca farmer, too.
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