Facing The Play

I am a light bearer...or so I have been told by a shaman.  The places I fear are the places of contrast, the darkness, -the dead of winter where all of my demons unfold and speak in loud whispers of the judgements and tormented inner machinations.  This cold unforgiving space craves to take hold and spread like ice forming over trees- a rigid blanket surrounding arms extended upward reaching towards the light and life.

The light I see now in contrast to how darkly I used to percieve this picture , is that this tree, this life, while being tested by that which it cannot control, has roots deeply laid, has a center encircled by the years lived, by winters survived, by storms weathered, and has grown strong by many a windy day strengthening its roots and by the grace of as many sunny days as there have been rainy.  The reality is that in order to grow, the tree must face the elements.  It must face the play of living and being with what is.

The parallel of this tree to life itself is that we are all trees.  The contrast is that we as individuals are soley accountable for our growth as well as for our deaths in all realms: mental, spiritual, emotional and physical.  

As part of the beginning of this new year I resolved to take a measured break from alcohol based initially upon the showing of solidarity and support for close friends that were trying to kick certain habits.  I realized that this was a very much needed wake up call for myself to realize that the darkness was only made darker by drawing the shade- that I was only running to the problem rather than running any farther away.   For as much as I am thankful for, there is no denying the bleakness of this time of year where everything slows down and yet the mind races.  In past years it was easy to cloud over my discomfort of this time with friends at a bar or to buy something or over indulge in anything to distract myself from everything, but with eyes, heart and mind uninhibited, the darkness now appears in reality just a deep shade of grey that fades as the days pass and the sun grows longer in the sky. 

I recently told my life guide that I felt new to this world, like I was born out of the ashes of the ending of a seven year relationship that was heading towards marriage and the death of my father who was both the greatest gift as well as the bearer of the deepest torments in my life. 

I never imagined living my life without either, I never imagined that I could hate at the same time I loved,  I never imagined letting myself live in anguish for so long, and on the flip side, the new world,  I never imagined letting myself unravel, letting myself open, letting people in,  letting myself be emotional and full of all different emotions and returning to the beginning again.  For as shocking as the initial reaction of facing the play of life is, - like the stripping away of all the old beliefs and coverings to reveal the true self, the nude form exposed and defenseless, - so life begins with facing the fear of seeing what is before you, and when you actually look to see what IS,  it is not so bad and is in fact better than bad, it is good.  

I tell my students when they get frustrated with progress that they need to remember where they started and see how far they have come.  In order to play a passage with true heart, they need to walk in the footsteps of life: joy, pain, victory, defeat, love, death, fear and ferocity in order to let their fingers run through the passages and let their hearts sing and be at peace with what they create.  In order to play, they must face the play as I aspire to do, as I hope that we all do.  We are all light bearers.  Shine brightly.