There and Back Again

We are all little Buddhas.  In a forest, I saw a small figurine of the little guy smiling serenely at me as I was in a jumble of trying to do something and thinking about where I had to get next and it was a kind reminder to be present,- although a little spooky since I was walking Smoosh, my surrogate pupster, for my yoga teacher.

I have been thinking about this moment ever since because the week leading up to this walk was spent mostly away in DC with an old and dear friend whom I've know since the fifth grade.  The visit was too short but definately filled with lots of sensations and feelings.  In the not so distant past, I used to hold the measuring stick up to the deficiencies of my life in comparison with my friends around me.  Sadly, and most honestly, measurements of: whether I weighed more or less, had the job that made enough money, had a dog, had a kid, had a house, had a husband where always definitions of who I was and it blinded me to the fact that I had not even figured essential facts our about myself.  I had not realized what it was I had until I  left all of that thinking to return to asking what made me happy, -and the happiness was just letting myself be where I was.  

On this visit, these feeling started to crop up again and instead of berating myself in my usual fashion, I took the quiet nights to look into the mirror for a long time and ask myself what was the matter with being who I was and where I was in my life.  In reflecting on the day I remembered part of a conversation that I had with Lady A ( my friend whom I was visiting) and was struck by the observation that she made about being unable to feel like she could totally let go of the disciplinarian role with her kids while I was able to goof off and be a nut with them.  This comment made me realize that we all have a role to play in this world, in friendships, relationships and families and that while for the present I may not have my own family,  being a conduit between the worlds of parenthood and childhood made me appreciate being Auntie ShaSha and mommy and or daddy's cool grown up friend.  

Being away reminded me of how much I love the freedom of being in a city like Boston where getting lost can be the perfect destination for finding new and unexpected things.  The time away made me appreciate the many freedoms that I take for granted  and watching such a loving and united couple made me appreciate that even in the most perfect situations, there is hard work, planning, giving, taking, arguments, and a lot of commitment involved and that it is not always like the movies but it is so worth all of the ups and downs.  

It is so wonderful and special to be able to parallel the time away to the time back with Lady A because despite having to travel on ocassion for her job, which leaves behind the frantic pace of juggling kids and work and multiple schedules, she always returns home missing this environment that she has created- missing the world that she hold true to every day.  Likewise, I missed the world I have created- each brick of time that is filled with walking a friend's dog, playing with my niece, doing yoga, assisting yogis, and teaching and serving food.  All of this makes up fibers and textures and patterns in the quilt that is the life I have now.  The measurements are old.  Where am I now?  Who am I right now?  Am I happy?  Am I doing things that bring me joy?  What do I do that does not bring me joy?  Why would I want to be unhappy?

  The greatest gift I realize now is always appreciating who I am, not who I think that I should be.  Like Buddha, it took going away to realize that I have everything that I desire already and that the greatest gift for myself are the choices that I make to empty what is full and to fill what is empty.